Happy birthday to my dad! He’s a great dad, an okay husband, and a surprisingly terrible partner in crime. You had one job, dad! One job!
All good things must come to an end. As must all bad, poorly executed, writing exercises. Please enjoy the last offerings of Joke-tober:
1.) Everyone, in order to not lose to any of your racist posts and conspiracy theories, please be sure to migrate from Facebook to Facebook II with the handy new Witless Relocation Program.
2.) When my Serbian doctor told me to watch my diet because lifestyle diseases are the leading killer of Serbian men, I had to correct her and remind her about war.
3.) “Don’t Hate The Player, Hate The Game,” Rich White Billionaire Playboy Inadvertently Delivers Criticism Of Rigged Capitalist Economic System.
4.) If brevity is the soul of wit, then why are my “u up?” messages on dating websites being ignored?
5.) Halloween has become too commercialized. I’m going to celebrate it the way my pagan ancestors did: smelling strangers’ feet and giving them something good to eat.
Happy Halloween!!!
I may be older and wiser now, but these jokes are as bad as ever. Enjoy the penultimate day of Joke-tober:
1.) My son is so ashamed of me. He’s so embarrassed that his dad is only Public Enemy #7.
2.) When they said “seize the means of production,” they really should have been more specific. How am I supposed to overthrow capitalism with a whoopie cushion factory?
3.) Please help me fund my next movie: Soul Plane 2: Cruise Control.
4.) I just realized that the protagonist of my book is an unreliable narrator. It normally wouldn’t be an issue, but I’m writing my autobiography.
5.) Local Man Makes Lighthearted Remark About Wife’s Slight Weight Gain During Quarantine. A Closed Casket Funeral Is Expected.
Today is a big birthday for me. I can not think of a more fitting way to celebrate this 29th day of Joke-tober than with some bad jokes:
1.) I’ve been posting snarky comments on the Government’s official social media accounts, but they still won’t designate me a “frenemy of the State.”
2.) I am legally allowed to claim that I have “rugged good looks” because my face is so worn that it looks like the side of a mountain that has been scaled by thousands of climbers.
3.) After Years Of Ridicule, Ancient Mesopotamian Demon Pazuzu Changes Name To P. Zuzu As They Embark On A Career In Hip Hop.
4,) Hands down, I give the best foot massages in the city.
5.) I thought misery liked company, but whenever I try to start a conversation with them, they just get up and leave.
And here’s a throwback of the birthday boy and his family:
With all the awfulness and uncertainty in the world right now, you can at least take comfort in knowing that Joke-tober is almost over.
1.) My only guess as to why I wasn’t raptured is because I overslept- after a busy night of doing crimes and indulging in paganism.
2.) The rumours of my death have been greatly exaggerated. The burning building I fell from while rescuing a group of orphans was only 65 storeys tall, not 70.
3.) Local Man, Ever The Optimist, Puts Off Making A Will and Testament Until 2021.
4.) I’ve always been DTF. Destined to fail! *Percusive Sting*
5.) I’m not waking up early just to fight a bird over a gross worm. Keep your stupid worm, bird! I’m going to sleep in and make a bagel pizza for lunch.
Joke-tober started as the result of a chain letter. I had to write three good jokes or be cursed forever. Guess I’ll be cursed forever.
1.) Failed business idea #14: Cold Stone Crematorium- Ice Cream Parlour and Funeral Home.
2.) I get a lot of pleasure out of buying really tacky art. I guess you might call me a masokitsch.
3.) Better the devil you know, than the devil you never knew you knew.
4.) Did you hear about the genetically modified pumpkin developed in Iran? It truly is a revolutionary gourd.
5.) The novel I’m currently writing is about an android snake oil salesman peddling holistic medicine to ancient astronauts. It’s a work of pseudoscience fiction.
I regret to inform you that Joke-tober has been renewed for at least one more episode. Look, it was either this or yet another Police Academy film.
1.) I’m gonna go out for one last drive in this expensive sports car before those guys come to repossess my legs.
2.) Don’t call me a nogoodnik. If anything, I’m at least a somegoodnik.
3.) I refuse to pay the piper. The so-called “premium flute” he sold me was just a cheap children’s recorder.
4.) BUSTED: Self-Professed “Serb With The Herb” Uncovered As Actually Being A Macedonian With Oregano.
5.) Please read my new book, I Have No Legs Anymore, and I Must Celebrate This Pyrrhic Victory.
Joke-tober keeps on truckin’ with another throwback, because there is nothing funnier than early 2000s school photos:
Just when I thought I was out (of bad jokes), they pull me back in (to finish off the last week of Joke-tober!)
1.) I refuse to smile for photos. If I’m going to have my soul captured, I’m at least not going to pretend to be happy that it’s happening. Plus, smiling for every mugshot is a bit exhausting and gauche.
2.) Many of my jokes have the tendency to fly right over your head. However, the accompanying feelings of confusion and embarrassment always hit their target.
3.) If I could bottle my originality and sell it, I’d make millions. But then I would probably get sued for copyright infringement. Or there would be a lot of returns due poor quality. Or because of false advertising. Or it would be recalled because it would be a choking hazard.
4.) It really seems like people who are spoon-fed ignorance as kids grow up into adults who frequent all-you-can-eat ignorance buffets.
5.) I’m always cleverly straddling the thin line between bad taste and no class.
In honour of International Borat Day and the release of the Borat sequel, there will be no Joke-tober jokes for today. Not!
1.) Every time I write a joke, I have to check whether Tony Iommi thought of it first.
2.) My seesaw business has experienced a lot of ups and downs lately. Honestly, I’m teeter-tottering on the brink of bankruptcy.
3.) The spread of misinformation and the proliferation of conspiracy theories online is dangerous, but it is exactly what the alien overlords controlling the music streaming services want.
4.) When I wrote the book on haggling and bargaining, I guess I should’ve made it more clear: “Do not try to haggle during a breathalyzer test!” Also, don’t try to go for the high score.
5.) I was really worried there for a second, but googling “the symptoms of death” cleared everything up for me.
Joke-tober is kind of like an awful advent calendar; instead of a nice little treat every day, you get a bunch of bad jokes. Here are today’s surprises:
1.) If you’re wondering how my client ended up in prison, let me tell you: trial and error (on my part during the trial.)
2.) The evil succubus that haunts me at night is always scaring me shirtless.
3.) Exorcism Of Serbian Ghost Deemed Impossible After Realization That Said Ghost Would Never Forgive Grudge Over Perceived Slight Of His Wife’s Cooking.
4.) Turns out that existential dread I’ve been feeling was just acid reflux.
5.) I’m a real dynamo in the sack. I’ve won every sack race I’ve ever entered.