Joke-tober 28th, 2020.

With all the awfulness and uncertainty in the world right now, you can at least take comfort in knowing that Joke-tober is almost over.

1.) My only guess as to why I wasn’t raptured is because I overslept- after a busy night of doing crimes and indulging in paganism.

2.) The rumours of my death have been greatly exaggerated. The burning building I fell from while rescuing a group of orphans was only 65 storeys tall, not 70.

3.) Local Man, Ever The Optimist, Puts Off Making Funeral Arrangements Until 2021.

4.) I’ve always been DTF. Destined to fail! *Percusive Sting*

5.) I’m not waking up early just to fight a bird over a gross worm. Keep your stupid worm, bird! I’m going to sleep in and make a bagel pizza for lunch.

Joke-tober 27th, 2020.

Joke-tober started as the result of a chain letter. I had to write three good jokes or be cursed forever. Guess I’ll be cursed forever.

1.) Failed business idea #14: Cold Stone Crematorium- Ice Cream Parlour and Funeral Home.

2.) I get a lot of pleasure out of buying really tacky art. I guess you might call me a masokitsch.

3.) Better the devil you know, than the devil you never knew you knew.

4.) Did you hear about the genetically modified pumpkin developed in Iran? It truly is a revolutionary gourd.

5.) The novel I’m currently writing is about an android snake oil salesman peddling holistic medicine to ancient astronauts. It’s a work of pseudoscience fiction.

Joke-tober 26th, 2020.

I regret to inform you that Joke-tober has been renewed for at least one more episode. Look, it was either this or yet another Police Academy film.

1.) I’m gonna go out for one last drive in this expensive sports car before those guys come to repossess my legs.

2.) Don’t call me a nogoodnik. If anything, I’m at least a somegoodnik.

3.) I refuse to pay the piper. The so-called “premium flute” he sold me was just a cheap children’s recorder.

4.) BUSTED: Self-Professed “Serb With The Herb” Uncovered As Actually Being A Macedonian With Oregano.

5.) Please read my new book, I Have No Legs Anymore, and I Must Celebrate This Pyrrhic Victory.

Joke-tober 24th, 2020.

Just when I thought I was out (of bad jokes), they pull me back in (to finish off the last week of Joke-tober!)

1.) I refuse to smile for photos. If I’m going to have my soul captured, I’m at least not going to pretend to be happy that it’s happening. Plus, smiling for every mugshot is a bit exhausting and gauche.

2.) Many of my jokes have the tendency to fly right over your head. However, the accompanying feelings of confusion and embarrassment always hit their target.

3.) If I could bottle my originality and sell it, I’d make millions. But then I would probably get sued for copyright infringement. Or there would be a lot of returns due poor quality. Or because of false advertising. Or it would be recalled because it would be a choking hazard.

4.) It really seems like people who are spoon-fed ignorance as kids grow up into adults who frequent all-you-can-eat ignorance buffets.

5.) I’m always cleverly straddling the thin line between bad taste and no class.

Joke-tober 23rd, 2020.

In honour of International Borat Day and the release of the Borat sequel, there will be no Joke-tober jokes for today. Not!

1.) Every time I write a joke, I have to check whether Tony Iommi thought of it first.

2.) My seesaw business has experienced a lot of ups and downs lately. Honestly, I’m teeter-tottering on the brink of bankruptcy.

3.) The spread of misinformation and the proliferation of conspiracy theories online is dangerous, but it is exactly what the alien overlords controlling the music streaming services want.

4.) When I wrote the book on haggling and bargaining, I guess I should’ve made it more clear: “Do not try to haggle during a breathalyzer test!” Also, don’t try to go for the high score.

5.) I was really worried there for a second, but googling “the symptoms of death” cleared everything up for me.

Joke-tober 22nd, 2020.

Joke-tober is kind of like an awful advent calendar; instead of a nice little treat every day, you get a bunch of bad jokes. Here are today’s surprises:

1.) If you’re wondering how my client ended up in prison, let me tell you: trial and error (on my part during the trial.)

2.) The evil succubus that haunts me at night is always scaring me shirtless.

3.) Exorcism Of Serbian Ghost Deemed Impossible After Realization That Said Ghost Would Never Forgive Grudge Over Perceived Slight Of His Wife’s Cooking.

4.) Turns out that existential dread I’ve been feeling was just acid reflux.

5.) I’m a real dynamo in the sack. I’ve won every sack race I’ve ever entered.

Joke-tober 21st, 2020.

On the 21st day of Joke-tober, my true love gave to me: divorce papers. I responded with yet more bad jokes:

1.) Earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust. This vacuum cleans it all.

2.) If people won’t even give peace a chance, I think it’s about time for peace to get a new publicist.

3.) Peaceā„¢ 2.0: New Improved Taste, Zero Calories, Zero Casualties.

4.) Now that most people are wearing masks, I think they’re gonna have to change signage to say “Smize You’re On Camera.”

5.) This seminar on time management was a complete waste of time.

Joke-tober 20th, 2020.

It’s the 20th day of Joke-tober. Do you know where your children are? They’re probably at home, not reading these bad headlines:

1,) Responsible New Yorker Observing Lockdown Screams “Hey Yo, I’m Walking’ Here!” To A Volleyball Just To Keep Sane.

2.) Local Father Very Proud Of His Prizefighter Toddler Son.

3.) Satan Begrudgingly Pivots To TikTok To Appeal More To Today’s Youth.

4.) Famous Instagram Hedgehog Cancelled After Their Racist Postings About Porcupines Resurface.

5.) Area Man Skips Leg Day, Is Subsequently Fired, Divorced, And Arrested.

Joke-tober 19th, 2020.

If the 18 previous cease and desist letters couldn’t stop Joke-tober, I doubt a 19th will. Here are some more bad jokes to celebrate the season:

1.) Excuse me, waiter, there’s a fly in my soup. I believe I ordered a spider.

2.) The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Nuns.

3.) The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was that time he jumped over 13 heathens while on his Razor Scooter. That was dope.

4.) When you’re an introvert and a pessimist, you really can’t complain when the bartender brings you a drink that’s only half empty.

5.) These great deals on area rugs and carpets won’t last forever- so come on down and seize these savings at Carpet Diem.

Joke-tober 18th, 2020.

It’s dangerous to celebrate Joke-tober alone! Take these bad jokes:

1.) If four body builders all stop at an all-way stop at the same time, who has the right of whey?

2.) Crime doesn’t pay. Covering up people’s crimes- now that’s where the REAL money is to be made.

3.) I think that I might have developed a repeated strain injury with all of the facepalming I’ve done this year.

4.) Overthrow capitalism? Das a Kapital idea!

5.) Does regularly eating Subway sandwiches technically make me a patron of the arts?